Pauline Nimmo on Trust

TRUST plays an important part in our lives and relationships. We trust each other with many things on many levels. From trusting another to be there to look after us and/or our children, to bringing home the milk or feeding the cat. Trust is an integral part of any relationship and very much part of the foundation for a healthy and positive one. If that trust is broken or compromised in any way it can have a negative and sometimes damaging effect. It can lead to feelings of isolation and insecu

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. I have recently found out she has been seeing someone else for ten months. We had a happy marriage until I accepted a move at work without telling her. Now I don't know if I can trust her again. Should I?

Do you want to trust her again? I wonder if there is also a trust issue regarding your job move, where your wife may have felt hurt she wasn't consulted in such an important decision? You need to talk things out. The reasons for her unhappiness may not be easy to hear and I would try to avoid laying blame. Focus more on what you can do to avoid such a situation happening again. If you both want to make the marriage work it may be worth looking back on the 12 years you have had as they are important.

CONTACT ISSUES

My wife and I separated over a year ago. There was no one else involved. I admit I perhaps took my new-found single status a bit far and liked a drink at weekends but I have stopped all that. Still, she will only let me see the children for two hours a week at a child contact centre. Why is she doing this?

The simple answer is "trust". Do you know if your wife agrees that you both just "grew apart"? Have you discussed it? You admit you liked to drink after you separated; did you miss any arranged contact visits with your children because of that? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes" then your wife has lost her trust in you. If you have made changes in your behaviour, have you spoken to your wife about them? You both need to sit down and chat about this. Family mediation would give you the chance to do so.

CHILD CARE

My daughter stayed with my ex-husband on a Saturday night and has done so since we separated six years ago. A few months ago he passed out drunk and my daughter, who is eight, was found wandering the streets. She was picked up by police and returned to me. She loves and misses her dad and I don't want to take that away from her. I have since discovered my ex has sought help and is very remorseful. Should I trust him again?

This was a very serious situation so the building up of trust will take lots of time and very small steps. There may be an issue for your daughter as well in being able to trust dad to protect her, so be mindful of that. However, cutting the relationship completely may do more harm. Telephone contact or short, non-residential visits are a good way to keep the relationship going while her father and you work on the regaining of trust.

Pauline Nimmo is a registered family mediator and contact centre manager at Relationships Scotland Family Mediation South Lanarkshire (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)