What to do when sex with your partner isn't working

WHEN it's good, sex can give us a wonderful sense of well being; when it's not it can leave us with feelings of shame, anger and rejection. Your sexual relationship with your partner is personal to you both. You need to be able to talk openly to each other about what you both want from making love.

When we feel connected to our partner we often believe they can read our minds and that they know what we want or desire; they can't. You need to be able to tell your lover what it is that gives you pleasure. However, if you are really concerned about any sexual difficulty, either contact your GP, Family Planning or Relationships Scotland; all Relationships Scotland counsellors are trained to work with sexual issues and some services have specialist sexual and relationship therapists who are registered with the British Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (www.basrt.org.uk). n

SEX IN LATER LIFE

After eight years on my own and, aged 76, I have now been in a new relationship for three months. My new partner is 68 and would like us to be more sexual but I am scared I won't be able to perform.

I wonder if you are worried because you fear you won't meet her expectations? Most men, as they age, find their erections are not as strong as they were when they were younger. They also find it takes longer for them to get another erection after they have had sex. I wonder, though, if the worry is more about remembering what to do, whether she will respond to your love-making and if you will match up to her previous partner? Have you talked to her about what she might be expecting sexually? The problem with sex is we expect it to work perfectly and magically as it does in films. In real life, we need to talk to our partners to find out what they need and desire. Arrange some quiet time together and say you want the relationship to work and what you are worried about. She is probably worried too and would welcome the opportunity to be more open.

DIFFERENT DESIRES

My partner doesn't want sex as often as I do, which is causing rows; otherwise we get on well.

Having to balance each other's needs is something that affects many relationships. Sometimes this is related to our individual levels of desire or it can be linked to lifestyles. For many couples, sex is something that happens at the end of a busy day. We can get complacent and forget the importance of touching, cuddling and just being sensual together. Another important consideration is about what sex with your partner means to you. Is it the time you feel closest and connected? Do they know this, or think it's just a physical release? You need to talk more about what sex means to you and learn to reach a compromise.

IT'S PAINFUL

I have been with my partner for about six months and we have a great relationship but whenever he tries to penetrate me I find it very painful and we have to stop. I am worried he is getting fed up with me?

Your fears are making you anxious; add this to your anxiety that penetration will hurt and this makes you tense up, which then makes penetration painful. This is not an unusual problem and should first be checked out either by your GP or someone at Family Planning to ensure there is nothing medical causing the pain. You could also arrange to see a counsellor.

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

• This article was first published in the Scotland on Sunday on October 10, 2010