Drumlanrig: On a Losing Ticket

There have been furtive goings-on at the SNP's HQ round the corner from Holyrood, which Drumlanrig feels obliged to shed some light on.

Vans have been delivering boxes of expensive hi-tech equipment.

To the untrained eye, it could appear that a James Bond villain-style lair is being constructed in the slick offices off Holyrood Road.

However, the truth is even more frightening – especially to the head honchos at the BBC.

For the Nats are creating a 24-hour "media monitoring unit" at their headquarters in a bid to keep a beady eye on those pesky broadcasters.

The Nats will be logging every single news item on the election to make sure they get their fair share of broadcasting space. If it looks like they're being squeezed, missives will be sent to the offending parties reminding them of their legal obligations to provide fair coverage.

To the TV types, listen very carefully, we will say this only once: don't say we didn't warn you.

Scottish Lib Dem leader Tavish Scott was praised by his UK party leader this week for being so full of energy all the time. Indeed, Nick Clegg was forced to demur when Tavish insisted they climb up a bridge together for a photocall at the Lib Dems weekend conference in Perth.

Clegg, apparently, was wary of such headlines as "A Bridge Too Far". Or even more cruelly, photo captions such as "Don't jump Nick, there might be a hung parliament!"

But, bridges apart, Tavish has some explaining to do to his young members. Apparently he turned up at last year's Young Lib Dems quiz night at the conference (haud me back!) but failed to pay the entrance fee.

Challenged on this delicate matter, Tavish said: "I'm not aware that I didn't. But whether I did or I didn't I shall certainly be making a donation to this very worthwhile organisation."

TOM'S BLUE ROMANCE

Love across the barricades is a rare thing in the rocky world of politics. However, Scottish Labour MP Tom Harris has admitted his own torrid affair of the heart with a Tory, no less.

Thankfully for Tom's future in the party, the blossoming romance occurred in 1974 when he was in primary six.

He said: "One girl drew a 'Vote Conservative' poster. Her name was Shona Boyd and she was my first crush. My love even managed to survive the dreadful realisation that this pretty farmer's daughter was a supporter of Ted Heath. Alas, my affection remained unrequited."

ROYAL DISAPPOINTMENT

You've got to admire his commitment to the cause. George Kerevan, SNP candidate in the new Edinburgh East constituency, has been all over the place trying to drum up support.

Sadly, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth – sometime resident at the Palace of Holyroodhouse on the fringes of the seat – has refused to return his calls.

Alas, like prisoners and the insane, the Queen is not actually allowed to vote, so he has been wasting his time. Ten out of ten for effort then George, but zero out of ten for brains.