TV review: Bill Bailey's Birdwatching Bonanza/Silent Witness

Bill Bailey's Birdwatching Bonanza, Sky OneSilent Witness, BBC1

AH, CELEBRITIES and birdwatching: they go together like peas and custard. Birdwatching traditionally involves sitting quietly for hours, hidden inside a lopsided hut covered in twigs, being as unobtrusive and nondescript as possible. This is not behaviour that gets you in Heat magazine and celebrities tend to prefer attracting attention.

But for some reason, Sky One has decided that what birdwatching needs to make it sexy is to throw some vaguely familiar telly faces at it.

Top twitcher is Bill Bailey, who though a popular comedian does actually seem like the type who might spend his weekends in a field with binoculars and a flask. He's also very funny. But unfortunately, he doesn't really get to show either of these abilities in his Birdwatching Bonanza, because he's been lumbered with a silly competition format which sees him setting challenges for less avian-inclined types.

It seems unlikely that birdwatching can be made into a competition, but some dogged producer has managed to construct several rounds of vaguely related activities, including drawing birds, writing a poem about birds, taking a photograph of birds, answering questions about birds, reading the rings on birds' legs and counting birds. Yes, watching people who used to be in EastEnders trying to count oystercatchers, that's what passes for entertainment in our budget-crunched programming times.

Thankfully there are no extra points for stealing eggs, but I do think they missed a trick by not having them dress up as birds, Bernie Clifton-style, or making them sit on nests until something hatched (an idea less silly than celebrity bird-watching).

While the contestants – comedian Jeff Green, DJ Alex Zane and actors Kara Tointon and Joe Swash – bumbled their way around the Solway Firth, frequently scaring their targets into flight, Bailey made wry observations and tried to impart a little bit of ornithological knowledge.

But only a very little: desperate to appeal to the lowest common denominator, this was really just another show of so-called celebrities wittering around being useless at something, a genre that seems destined to be stretched out until every possible human activity has been turned into a "challenge" for D-listers to attempt. Coming soon: Sinitta's Solitaire S-capade, in which the So Macho singer attempts to win a game of patience, or Lauren Laverne's Laundrette Line-Up, where the Culture Show presenter challenges the cast of Hollyoaks to get their washing done.

Mind you, when drama gets as silly as Silent Witness, you can understand why pseudo-reality shows are taking over. In a convoluted story about insurance fraud, the usual gory forensics were sidelined in favour of queasy sexual banter as Professor Leo was pursued by an avid investigator, a chirpy woman who kept popping up in front of him and declaring: "Ah, you like me stalking you!" He didn't really, particularly when she accused him of forging a post-mortem report.

Meanwhile, Dr Harry was embroiled with a dubious femme fatale, played by Lucy Cohu – who must be getting sick of being typecast in this role.

Her chat-up line was direct, at least: "I want to sleep with you. It's been a while since I've been with a man."

To which, haplessly, he could only reply: "I guess we've moved away from talking about philosophy, then." Well, yes, in a way.